Loving Without Attachment to the Ego
This is a nice idea, certainly one encouraged by the yogic philosophy, yet we may not have an idea of what it really involves. As a therapist and yoga teacher, it has been rare to come across people who are interested in letting go of attachment to the ego. In a way, we enjoy the stories and dramas created by ego, and then other days, (when you have acted out the same patterned behavior for the millionth time), we hate it!
If you ask inside, “Do I really want to love without ego?”, and YES! comes from inside your being, (not from the head), then go for it. If it is your heart’s desire to love and experience relationship in this way, you must follow it! Otherwise, feel free to stay in ego love, watch it, and enjoy it. Practice observation of the projections of love, i.e. loving the projected mother or father, or loving the reflection of your perfect self or most hated self. There are lots of themes of ego love that can be quite dramatic, engaging, and chaotic. These games can serve as opportunities to learn a great deal about oneself. Enjoy the opportunity.
Even if one doesn’t really know how to love without attachment to ego, (like me, I’m learning as I go), if we remain committed to the intention, the heart will continue to expand and ego will continue to dissolve.
My elementary understanding of what comprises a tantric relationship is where I am committed to loving another from my Pure Heart rather than the small ego, remembering the other as the Beloved rather than as their small ego, and choosing to act with love in every moment with the other. How fantastic! And how utterly challenging.
In my explorations with sacred relationship, here’s the how tos I’ve discovered so far.
5 Tips for How to Love Fully without attachment to the Ego
- Get to know your ego, make friends with it, understand and accept its existence within you
- Commit to a consistent meditative and breath practice so your ability to witness your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with some distance increases.
- Every time you notice the ego tempting you to put up walls of fear, resistance and judgement towards another, look within yourself to see what you are not content with within your own being.
- Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Share your ego and its’ fears.
- Share love whenever you remember. With your partner, your children, your friends, a stranger, a collegue, the Existence around you….in the most subtle ways we can share love and expand the energy of the heart. With some this may be a smile, a silent prayer, with others it may be sharing attention, listening, playing, giving something, cooking, writing a letter, massaging, holding a hand, a phone call, singing, dancing, creating, whenever you remember, share your love. This consistent remembering to take action from the heart (when it’s not an obligation!), expands consciousness and diminishes unconsciousness (ego).
Experiment and enjoy!
About the Author
Chögyam Trungpa: Poetry, Crazy Wisdom, and Radical Shambhala
I was entranced with the beautiful writings of Chögyam Trungpa for many years. His book, Shambhala: The Sacred Path of The Warrior became a staple in my life. It opened my eyes to the spiritual potential and deepened my understanding of life, love, and the divine.
The more I learned, the more I craved Chögyam Trungpa’s books. When I meditated on him, I could feel his playful and loving heart. He had died a few months prior to my first experience of his unique spirit and work.
My favorite Chögyam Trungpa quotes are, “Everyone loves something, even if it’s only tortillas,” and “The ideal of warriorship is that the warrior should be sad and tender, and because of that, the warrior can be very brave as well.”
A prolific writer and Buddhist meditation master, Chögyam Trungpa (March 5, 1939 – April 4, 1987) is among the first masters who brought Buddhist teachings to the west and made them accessible.
The holder of the Kagyu and Nyingma lineages, Chögyam Trungpa was a brilliant man who lived a remarkable life.
Besides being the 11th Trungpa Tülku, an incarnating line of Tibetan lamas, Chögyam was:
- A radical, groundbreaking teacher in the Vajrayana school of Buddhism
- A re-imaginer of the original visions of Shambhala (a mythic Buddhist kingdom)
- A Tertön, someone who discovers ancient, hidden, Tibetan Buddhist texts
- The Supreme Abbot of the Surgmang Monasteries
- Globally adored Poet, Artist, and Scholar
“Enlightenment is ego’s ultimate disappointment.”
― Chögyam Trungpa
The Adventurous Life of Chögyam Trungpa
While studying meditation, philosophy, calligraphy, painting, and monastic dance, Chögyam Trungpa became a monk in 1947.
In the 1950s, when Chinese communists repatriated Tibet, the Rinpoche trekked over the Himalayas and narrowly escaped capture. He reached India in 1959 and began teaching Buddhism to young lamas in Delhi, India.
Fluent in English, Chögyam Trungpa studied at Oxford, and taught throughout North America and Europe, giving thousands of talks to eager initiates.
